Dear Blog

Desperation is a Thumbtack

M

H

Dear Blog,

Whats taking so long? I feel like I am breaking. My body is starting to shake. My mom is hounding me to eat something but I can't. I'm scared. Every time I look at food. I am literally scared. I want to curl up in complete silence right now, but my room mates are being loud in the living room. I want to cry. I want to just go to sleep. I want to not feel anything. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day. I don't know what to do.

I am honestly
Terrified.

Much Love,
M.

Hope is the thing with feathers

Dear Blog,

I start Therapy either next week or this week.
Wish me Luck.

Much Love,
M.

Pillow Talk

Dear Blog,

I have no energy.
I sleep all the time.
I don't want to be around people right now and the littlest things are getting to me.
I can't bring myself to eat more than one small meal a day.
I can't even eat that without making sure I take the pills.

Damn.

Belmont

Dear Blog,

"I can relate to that 'awkward and uncomfortable' feeling of having to initiate a conversation about this shit. I can't stand opening up about about it. I feel so flawed or like I'm just begging for everyone's attention and I should be ashamed of that. I also know that not sharing continues one on the path to slow suicide - that is what it is really, right? Suicide."

There are the words.

Much Love,
M.

Pizza

Dear Blog,

A whole three days without more than a bowl of Raisin Bran, and then there was pizza. Oh. Bad M. I can make up for it over the weekend. Easy.

By a fellow blogger, I was asked why I cut myself. While my episode of House loads (I got an hour to kill.), I think I want to address it. Most people see cutting as a way to get attention, and in some cases people do that. I used to have a girl in my high school who cut her legs and then wore booty shorts to school. Now while she needs help, it's a different story. I'm not so sure if I want people to notice, or if I want to keep it to myself. I find keeping it to myself to be easier. I don't want attention for how I feel, as much as I want to control what I feel, or even numb it.

I started cutting when I was 14. I was pretty good at hiding it too. It lasted well over 4 months or so until by a fluke, my dad saw. That was a fun little discussion. I went to Therapy, was diagnosed as Depressed, ADD, and a cutter. Fun times, really. By the time I was 15, that therapist was moved to another city. I tried another one, but her and I didn't click so well. I decided I was okay dealing with things on my own. I unfortunately have this terrible habit of being funny. (Not that you can tell from this blog.) I know how to exploit it too. I know what kind of joke to make to turn the conversation around and away from things I don't want to talk about. I had two other therapists later on in life, around my senior year in highschool, and I genuinely wanted help. Unfortunately, I'm just awkward when it comes to talking about anything emotional. My last therapist and I talked about cutting my first session, and my last. We joked around about celebrities, and stupid shit my friends and I did, instead of actual talking. I kept cutting all through my time with her.

There's a brief history, but why? Hell if I know. Cutting releases endorphins, which genuinely make you feel good. It's amazing how that works. Where I cut, is where I know it can be hidden. On the shoulders (I don't wear tank tops), on my hips, on my sides. You can even get away with some on your hands or fingers if you have cats. (I have too many.) I'm assuming it's control. I'm not always as openly emotional as I am in this blog in real life. That's why you have to love the internet. My theory, if I cut. I don't have to feel it. Often enough, it's a quick little pick me up. It's almost the same as smoking in theory. Nicotine gives the smoker a feeling of calm or even a little buzz. ( I used to smoke. Had to quit though.) You know it's bad. You know it's not good for you, but you do it anyway. See how that works? Now I am 18 years old, and I started cutting when I was 14. I've been doing it on and off for about 5 years now.

In my head I justify it. I figure it's better than a drug addiction, or smoking again. (Cancer and it's pricey.) I have yet to have more than 1 truly serious conversation about it. This I guess is the second? I don't know, honestly, if I want to get help though. This is how I deal with what ails me. Everyone has their vices, right?

Caught

Dear Blog,

Well I have been had! I got very....very drunk (stay away from Popov kids...) and basically spilled my guts to my room mate. When I say spill my guts, I mean most literally too. God....that night was...rough and a total disaster.

I woke up the next morning with scratches on my arm and some skin missing. There were some red welts as well. I can't believe it. I totally blacked out. I've never been that drunk before....ever. Geeze. I could just smack myself. I'm so stupid. My room mate sat me down and told me she knows I still cut. (She took away my knife and scissors. Great.) She told me she's been noticing that I haven't really been eating and have lost weight too.
She wants to go on a healthy diet. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. It's just........I dunno. I feel awkward asking for that kind of help. "Hey Room Mate I wanna cut myself. Let's chit-chat."

How does that even work?
I give it a week before things go back to normal.

Either way, the day after that....I didn't eat anything after breakfast. We went to Denny's, and all I ate was a piece of french toast and some sausage. I was good. I'm proud of myself. I don't even have the urge to eat anymore. I'm pretty good at suppressing any hunger pains. I just either chug some milk, or some water with my diet pills. Works pretty well. I've made sure to work out as much as I can too. I can see differences.

All I had today was some Fiji water, 6 of the new pills, A diet Coke, and some Raisin Bran. I'm not even hungry, which is not bad.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My room mate went grocery shopping with me yesterday. I can tell you....I wanted to cry. It was the hardest thing. Not having had much to eat that day, and seeing all that food. I was seriously stressed out. I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I hate grocery shopping, so much.

Anyway...bed time...even though I've been sleeping majority of today.
I'm very tired, most of the time.

Much Love,
M.

yuck

Dear Blog,

I'm sick of myself. I want to disappear.

Much Love,
M.

Really

Dear Blog,

I'm starting to realize my friends aren't the most observant people. That, or they don't care. Oh, I hate being a hole in the wall.

Much Love,
M.

Ouch....Ouch...ooww...

Dear Blog,

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I've literally been working out majority of today. I worked out for over an hour last night, and I spent most of today doing work out sessions around the house. (My gym membership is um....way expired because my fat ass is lazy..)

My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. Every bit of me is exhausted and in pain.

Maybe I over did it?

I just want to loose it. I want my skin to just shrink and go away. I've had mostly mac and cheese today. I just...don't have much to run on. Damnit...it's bed time. I can't take being awake much longer.

Much Love,
M.

...

Dear Blog,

There are some days where I just don't care.


Those are dangerous times.

Much Love,
M.

Poppin

Dear Blog,

Well....last night was a trip. Literally. I ended up going to a party with some friends, and from what I remember....it was fun. Yay. I felt pretty good about myself and I can tell my clothes are fitting better. This is a good thing. I don't snack anymore and I don't eat more than 1 or 2 meals a day. I'm doing pretty good.

Here is the bad part. I ended up getting very fucked up last night. Let's see what was in my system. Aspirin. Zantrex-3. Pot. Beer. Smirnoff. Some kind of shitty Beer, and Captain Morgan. I can down Smirnoff. Once I down at least 4-5 Smirnoff, I can down any other liquor pretty well. Recently, I've been having an issue with mixing medication. I don't know why. It's more...I do it...and not think about it.

Either way. I was a mess. I was up one moment and the world was spinning from under my feet the next. I felt totally out of control and I knew it. It was like sitting back and watching myself be an ass, and not being able to stop. I drunk dialed, which was an event I regret. I felt sick, because I hadn't eaten much at all that day. I don't know. Either way...today I needed to exercise the sugar and calories off from the partying last night. I worked out for a little more than an hour. I ate two rather small meals, both with two zantrex. I'm feeling pretty good right now I guess.

Here's hoping no mood swings on this end tonight. I can't take another downer. Ya know?

Either way. I'm not too worried about my friends finding out about you anymore Blog. Really, I'm not. Wanna know why? Well, it's because I know they will never find you. (Knock on Wood) Even if they did, I wonder if they would say anything. Oh well. The internet is a large place. Hm. In real life, I am pretty easily over looked. There isn't much to me I guess.

Wish me luck, blog.

Much Love,
M.

Feel the burn

Dear Blog,

No pain. No gain. Right?

Much Love,
M.

Sigh

Dear Blog,

These Mood swings are starting to take more energy than I have to give. I felt really nice today. I was flying high. Totally content. I don't know what changed in the past three hours but I am avoiding all mirrors at all costs. I don't feel like looking at myself. I have hardly eaten anything today. Apparently B told another one of my friends that I just don't eat or "forget" sometimes. That friend decided to ask if I ate today. I told them I did. That was a lie.


Right now I'm stressed out. I'm biting my nails. I'm getting a headache. I'm feeling really down and I just don't feel well in general. I feel jittery, pretty bad. What the fuck is going on? I want a cigarette so bad. It's been nearly a month and a half since my last one, but I would kill a bitch for a Marlboro right now. I wanna go to sleep but I can't seem to make myself sleepy enough to actually go to sleep, but my body is just worn out. Every part of me is just exhausted. My brain. My body. My spirit. Its just all done. Ready to throw in the white flag and call it quits.

I'm just done, dude. You don't even know. I don't even have the energy to change my writing style so I don't sound like myself. I think if any of my friends found this and read this entry they'd know it's me. They'd catch it, and you know what? At this moment, I wouldn't care. I would throw up my arms and say "fuck it. I'm done." I don't even know where this came from. I just want to sleep, all day. I want a dreamless sleep too, blog. I don't even want my mind to be active when I sleep. When I sleep, I want my body to shut down and take a break. I want to just be numb, and not feel it for a moment. I feel pathetic. Gimme a day, blog. Just give me a day.


Much Love,
M.

:]

Dear Blog,

I am pretty proud of myself. I've had no soda today. Only milk and water. I only had a pasta dinner I was made to eat, and that's without the pills. I just haven't been hungry. I even worked out extra hard tonight. I missed the last two nights, so I had to make up for it. I broke a sweat, that's for sure. I can feel it too. I feel like I did good today.

Yay me :]

Much Love,
M.

Hm

Dear Blog,

I am kind of pathetic, ya know? Hm. I should work on that.

Much Love,
M.

L-o--s-t

Dear Blog,

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. The Zantrex-3 is making my stomach hurt pretty bad, and it's only the first day. It's not doing much to keep my appetite down. I don't want to eat. Just looking at the food makes me sick.

I'm pretty good when it comes to not eating when my friends are not around....but when I'm around people...I feel like they're looking at me. I feel awkward.

Anyway...I got to listen to my friends speak of boy trouble today. Hm. I cant explain my way with relationships. I'm too afraid to get into them. I think I just haven't found someone who can push me the way I need to be. Once I find someone who likes me...it's more...I pick at what's wrong with them then try to actually like them. I find small things I don't like. My friends don't even see me as a relationship person. They see me as a-sexual. I guess that's how it works.

Sometimes I just feel like a hole in the wall, a waste of space. With guys, I'm always the friend...it's been that way most my life. I'm not girly. My friends (who are mostly girls) tell me that I am pretty. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I just don't see it. I hate being this kind of girl. I hate being this person. I want to get out of my skin sometimes.

I wanna roll under the covers and cease to exsist for a brief moment.

Much Love,
M.

Fat

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I ignored you yesterday. It was not intentional. I was just rather busy. I finished Cylaris yesterday. I was rather happy with it. Unfortunately when I went to the store, they were sold out. I decided to see I could try. I've heard many things about Zantrex-3. Why not give it a try? I took my first dose today, but it was too late. I had to go to a wedding today and food was everywhere. My cousin payed 30 dollars a plate too....so it wasn't a matter of getting up and watching what I ate...it was a matter of it being sat IN FRONT of me. When I got home...I just felt terrible. I'm looking in the mirror and whatever nice feeling I had...is gone. I don't feel like there is much of a difference anymore. I don't know if I can do my work out routine tonight either because people will be over.

I'm in such a downer mood right now...
I make myself sick.
I hate myself sometimes.


Much Love,
M.

Stay Strong

strong [stroŋ] adjective
firm, sound, or powerful, and therefore not easily broken, destroyed, attacked, defeated, resisted, or affected by weariness, illness etc.

Dear Blog,

Strong is only a word, unless you put some feeling behind it. I don't want to just know the word. I want to live it.

Much Love,
M.

Well Fuck Me.

Dear Blog,

I fucking hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Nothing looks right. Feels right or fits right. Just when I start feeling better about myself I make the mistake of going clothes shopping. I had a nice day. I didn't eat more then half a lean pocket and took both doses of Cylaris. I met up with some old friends and my friend even mentioned how I had lost some weight.

Then I go clothes shopping and it all goes to shit. I'm just not in the best place right now. I can't go to B's house, so I'm stuck by myself tonight. It's gonna be a rough night.

Much Love,
M.

Shrink

Dear Blog,

I continued to do my work out regime after I posted. I went another 34 minutes. I had to force myself to go to bed. Even in bed I did what I could with my arms.

I actually think I'm starting to see a difference. I'm supposed to go to lunch with the friends soon, so we'll see. I still don't plan to eat anything. I don't want to fuck up my progress, so yeah.

Oh. SO Cylaris is giving me terrible insomnia. I'm almost out. I have 3 pills left. I need to make a trip to the store after I meet them. I'll just take the rest before lunch. I might try a new pill. Not sure yet.

I will update you with more information.


Much Love,
M

Sweat

Dear Blog,

I just spent the last 45 minutes doing my nightly work out routine over and over. I've worked up a sweat. Is that enough to redeem my slip up? I promise I'll do better.

I will do better.


...I can go another 30 minutes...
I will.


Much Love,
M.

Well Shit on bricks.

Dear Blog,

I am posting from my laptop as I sit on the kitchen counter at my friend's house. I managed to avoid real good most of today.....I had maybe a few pieces of Chex Mix and then threw away the whole bag. It was bought for me, but I shouldn't be eating it.

Unfortunately for me, my friend whom I shall call B, came over. Now I love B. I love her to death. I'm not upset she came over, but she knows me pretty well. She knows that sometimes I just don't eat, mostly because she just seems to notice. She's over at my house enough to know when I haven't bothered to eat anything all day. Something must have sparked when turned down going to lunch. I guess......I don't know.

I was doing so good...

Unfortunately, then my mom made a chicken dinner "especially" for me. Am I not hiding this as well anymore? I ate 5 small pieces of sauteed chicken. My mom then proceeded to bug me to eat more. "You can have more, I made plenty." I told them I am simply "not hungry." B then went ahead and said how I hadn't eaten anything all day. Well Shit. I picked two more pieces from the pan and ate them hesitantly. I had too. I was under a microscope.

I ended up deciding to go to B's house. We could hang out and she'd see that "I'm okay." Yeah. I also didn't want to be alone tonight. Not after last night. I didn't want to go at that again. If I'm at a friend's house, I can't cut myself. I can't think about throwing up, and I can't cry. Emphasis on cry. I'm not the type of person that cries in front of people. It's rare to see that. I don't want my friends to see me like that.

Well I get to her house and her mom has just gone shopping. This is just God playing the cruelest joke on me. I ended up eating a low fat poptart, and some baked tostitos. I even gave in and had a Diet Pepsi. I had to! I felt like she was watching me. I snuck a Cylaris before eating though. Luck for me I did my work outs before leaving the house, and I will try to go to the gym for the first time in a long time tomorrow. I wanna run on the tread mill a little. Anyway.....Here's the issue with the Cylaris. This is my 5th one I've taken today. You're not supposed to exceed 4. I had to take it though. I had to. She's got her eye on me now.

I hate myself for eating. With every bite I hate myself a little more.
I wanna go throw it up so bad.
I wanna just pretend it never happened.
I fucking hate myself.
My fast is serious starting today. Wish me luck.


Oh! B is coming.

Much Love,
M.

Kimya Dawson

Voicemail

Dear Blog,

You know...I almost broke last night. (I forgot to write this)
I almost called and told someone. I would have told them about you. I would have told them I can't eat anymore. I would have told them everything. I was that weak.

Almost.

You know what though...I didn't, obviously. I don't think they'd want to hear it. I don't think they'd understand. I know they just want to ignore it. It's easier that way. My Mom's seen the pills. I wonder if she heard me crying last night? I wonder if she heard me punch the wall? On my way back from the bathroom, she asked if I was okay. I said yes. Yes Mom. I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay. My eyes aren't swelled. My arm isn't bleeding. My stomach isn't aching. I don't hurt at all.

I don't blame her though. None of this is her fault. I don't want her to know, now that I think about it. I love her too much. I don't want her to know this is what I'm going through. I want her to remain blissfully ignorant. I don't want my room mate to know either. I have always been the Mama of my friends. I've always been the one looking out for them. I don't want my friend's to loose that security with me. I don't want them to notice the giant mess I'm becoming. I don't want them to have to feel any of it. I can't keep them from being hurt by the rest of the world, but I won't be responsible for it. I won't hurt them. I love them too much. I'm glad I never said anything. I've become the good one. I've become the strong one, I think. That's me. I just need a cape now, right? Ha.

I don't know how to be the weak one. I don't know how to be comforted. I don't know how to be okay with feeling this way. I don't know how to tell them I need help. Its okay though, because I have this blog. I can write out everything on here.

I can't believe I almost told them.
But you know, I called, and no one picked up.
That's fine.


Much Love,
M.

Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.