Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.