yuck

Dear Blog,

I'm sick of myself. I want to disappear.

Much Love,
M.

...

Dear Blog,

There are some days where I just don't care.


Those are dangerous times.

Much Love,
M.

Hm

Dear Blog,

I am kind of pathetic, ya know? Hm. I should work on that.

Much Love,
M.

L-o--s-t

Dear Blog,

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. The Zantrex-3 is making my stomach hurt pretty bad, and it's only the first day. It's not doing much to keep my appetite down. I don't want to eat. Just looking at the food makes me sick.

I'm pretty good when it comes to not eating when my friends are not around....but when I'm around people...I feel like they're looking at me. I feel awkward.

Anyway...I got to listen to my friends speak of boy trouble today. Hm. I cant explain my way with relationships. I'm too afraid to get into them. I think I just haven't found someone who can push me the way I need to be. Once I find someone who likes me...it's more...I pick at what's wrong with them then try to actually like them. I find small things I don't like. My friends don't even see me as a relationship person. They see me as a-sexual. I guess that's how it works.

Sometimes I just feel like a hole in the wall, a waste of space. With guys, I'm always the friend...it's been that way most my life. I'm not girly. My friends (who are mostly girls) tell me that I am pretty. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I just don't see it. I hate being this kind of girl. I hate being this person. I want to get out of my skin sometimes.

I wanna roll under the covers and cease to exsist for a brief moment.

Much Love,
M.

Stay Strong

strong [stroŋ] adjective
firm, sound, or powerful, and therefore not easily broken, destroyed, attacked, defeated, resisted, or affected by weariness, illness etc.

Dear Blog,

Strong is only a word, unless you put some feeling behind it. I don't want to just know the word. I want to live it.

Much Love,
M.

Well Fuck Me.

Dear Blog,

I fucking hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Nothing looks right. Feels right or fits right. Just when I start feeling better about myself I make the mistake of going clothes shopping. I had a nice day. I didn't eat more then half a lean pocket and took both doses of Cylaris. I met up with some old friends and my friend even mentioned how I had lost some weight.

Then I go clothes shopping and it all goes to shit. I'm just not in the best place right now. I can't go to B's house, so I'm stuck by myself tonight. It's gonna be a rough night.

Much Love,
M.

Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.