Dear Blog

Desperation is a Thumbtack

M

H

Dear Blog,

Whats taking so long? I feel like I am breaking. My body is starting to shake. My mom is hounding me to eat something but I can't. I'm scared. Every time I look at food. I am literally scared. I want to curl up in complete silence right now, but my room mates are being loud in the living room. I want to cry. I want to just go to sleep. I want to not feel anything. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day. I don't know what to do.

I am honestly
Terrified.

Much Love,
M.

Hope is the thing with feathers

Dear Blog,

I start Therapy either next week or this week.
Wish me Luck.

Much Love,
M.

Pillow Talk

Dear Blog,

I have no energy.
I sleep all the time.
I don't want to be around people right now and the littlest things are getting to me.
I can't bring myself to eat more than one small meal a day.
I can't even eat that without making sure I take the pills.

Damn.

Belmont

Dear Blog,

"I can relate to that 'awkward and uncomfortable' feeling of having to initiate a conversation about this shit. I can't stand opening up about about it. I feel so flawed or like I'm just begging for everyone's attention and I should be ashamed of that. I also know that not sharing continues one on the path to slow suicide - that is what it is really, right? Suicide."

There are the words.

Much Love,
M.

Pizza

Dear Blog,

A whole three days without more than a bowl of Raisin Bran, and then there was pizza. Oh. Bad M. I can make up for it over the weekend. Easy.

By a fellow blogger, I was asked why I cut myself. While my episode of House loads (I got an hour to kill.), I think I want to address it. Most people see cutting as a way to get attention, and in some cases people do that. I used to have a girl in my high school who cut her legs and then wore booty shorts to school. Now while she needs help, it's a different story. I'm not so sure if I want people to notice, or if I want to keep it to myself. I find keeping it to myself to be easier. I don't want attention for how I feel, as much as I want to control what I feel, or even numb it.

I started cutting when I was 14. I was pretty good at hiding it too. It lasted well over 4 months or so until by a fluke, my dad saw. That was a fun little discussion. I went to Therapy, was diagnosed as Depressed, ADD, and a cutter. Fun times, really. By the time I was 15, that therapist was moved to another city. I tried another one, but her and I didn't click so well. I decided I was okay dealing with things on my own. I unfortunately have this terrible habit of being funny. (Not that you can tell from this blog.) I know how to exploit it too. I know what kind of joke to make to turn the conversation around and away from things I don't want to talk about. I had two other therapists later on in life, around my senior year in highschool, and I genuinely wanted help. Unfortunately, I'm just awkward when it comes to talking about anything emotional. My last therapist and I talked about cutting my first session, and my last. We joked around about celebrities, and stupid shit my friends and I did, instead of actual talking. I kept cutting all through my time with her.

There's a brief history, but why? Hell if I know. Cutting releases endorphins, which genuinely make you feel good. It's amazing how that works. Where I cut, is where I know it can be hidden. On the shoulders (I don't wear tank tops), on my hips, on my sides. You can even get away with some on your hands or fingers if you have cats. (I have too many.) I'm assuming it's control. I'm not always as openly emotional as I am in this blog in real life. That's why you have to love the internet. My theory, if I cut. I don't have to feel it. Often enough, it's a quick little pick me up. It's almost the same as smoking in theory. Nicotine gives the smoker a feeling of calm or even a little buzz. ( I used to smoke. Had to quit though.) You know it's bad. You know it's not good for you, but you do it anyway. See how that works? Now I am 18 years old, and I started cutting when I was 14. I've been doing it on and off for about 5 years now.

In my head I justify it. I figure it's better than a drug addiction, or smoking again. (Cancer and it's pricey.) I have yet to have more than 1 truly serious conversation about it. This I guess is the second? I don't know, honestly, if I want to get help though. This is how I deal with what ails me. Everyone has their vices, right?

Caught

Dear Blog,

Well I have been had! I got very....very drunk (stay away from Popov kids...) and basically spilled my guts to my room mate. When I say spill my guts, I mean most literally too. God....that night was...rough and a total disaster.

I woke up the next morning with scratches on my arm and some skin missing. There were some red welts as well. I can't believe it. I totally blacked out. I've never been that drunk before....ever. Geeze. I could just smack myself. I'm so stupid. My room mate sat me down and told me she knows I still cut. (She took away my knife and scissors. Great.) She told me she's been noticing that I haven't really been eating and have lost weight too.
She wants to go on a healthy diet. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. It's just........I dunno. I feel awkward asking for that kind of help. "Hey Room Mate I wanna cut myself. Let's chit-chat."

How does that even work?
I give it a week before things go back to normal.

Either way, the day after that....I didn't eat anything after breakfast. We went to Denny's, and all I ate was a piece of french toast and some sausage. I was good. I'm proud of myself. I don't even have the urge to eat anymore. I'm pretty good at suppressing any hunger pains. I just either chug some milk, or some water with my diet pills. Works pretty well. I've made sure to work out as much as I can too. I can see differences.

All I had today was some Fiji water, 6 of the new pills, A diet Coke, and some Raisin Bran. I'm not even hungry, which is not bad.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My room mate went grocery shopping with me yesterday. I can tell you....I wanted to cry. It was the hardest thing. Not having had much to eat that day, and seeing all that food. I was seriously stressed out. I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I hate grocery shopping, so much.

Anyway...bed time...even though I've been sleeping majority of today.
I'm very tired, most of the time.

Much Love,
M.