H

Dear Blog,

Whats taking so long? I feel like I am breaking. My body is starting to shake. My mom is hounding me to eat something but I can't. I'm scared. Every time I look at food. I am literally scared. I want to curl up in complete silence right now, but my room mates are being loud in the living room. I want to cry. I want to just go to sleep. I want to not feel anything. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day. I don't know what to do.

I am honestly
Terrified.

Much Love,
M.

Caught

Dear Blog,

Well I have been had! I got very....very drunk (stay away from Popov kids...) and basically spilled my guts to my room mate. When I say spill my guts, I mean most literally too. God....that night was...rough and a total disaster.

I woke up the next morning with scratches on my arm and some skin missing. There were some red welts as well. I can't believe it. I totally blacked out. I've never been that drunk before....ever. Geeze. I could just smack myself. I'm so stupid. My room mate sat me down and told me she knows I still cut. (She took away my knife and scissors. Great.) She told me she's been noticing that I haven't really been eating and have lost weight too.
She wants to go on a healthy diet. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. It's just........I dunno. I feel awkward asking for that kind of help. "Hey Room Mate I wanna cut myself. Let's chit-chat."

How does that even work?
I give it a week before things go back to normal.

Either way, the day after that....I didn't eat anything after breakfast. We went to Denny's, and all I ate was a piece of french toast and some sausage. I was good. I'm proud of myself. I don't even have the urge to eat anymore. I'm pretty good at suppressing any hunger pains. I just either chug some milk, or some water with my diet pills. Works pretty well. I've made sure to work out as much as I can too. I can see differences.

All I had today was some Fiji water, 6 of the new pills, A diet Coke, and some Raisin Bran. I'm not even hungry, which is not bad.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My room mate went grocery shopping with me yesterday. I can tell you....I wanted to cry. It was the hardest thing. Not having had much to eat that day, and seeing all that food. I was seriously stressed out. I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I hate grocery shopping, so much.

Anyway...bed time...even though I've been sleeping majority of today.
I'm very tired, most of the time.

Much Love,
M.

yuck

Dear Blog,

I'm sick of myself. I want to disappear.

Much Love,
M.

Really

Dear Blog,

I'm starting to realize my friends aren't the most observant people. That, or they don't care. Oh, I hate being a hole in the wall.

Much Love,
M.

Sigh

Dear Blog,

These Mood swings are starting to take more energy than I have to give. I felt really nice today. I was flying high. Totally content. I don't know what changed in the past three hours but I am avoiding all mirrors at all costs. I don't feel like looking at myself. I have hardly eaten anything today. Apparently B told another one of my friends that I just don't eat or "forget" sometimes. That friend decided to ask if I ate today. I told them I did. That was a lie.


Right now I'm stressed out. I'm biting my nails. I'm getting a headache. I'm feeling really down and I just don't feel well in general. I feel jittery, pretty bad. What the fuck is going on? I want a cigarette so bad. It's been nearly a month and a half since my last one, but I would kill a bitch for a Marlboro right now. I wanna go to sleep but I can't seem to make myself sleepy enough to actually go to sleep, but my body is just worn out. Every part of me is just exhausted. My brain. My body. My spirit. Its just all done. Ready to throw in the white flag and call it quits.

I'm just done, dude. You don't even know. I don't even have the energy to change my writing style so I don't sound like myself. I think if any of my friends found this and read this entry they'd know it's me. They'd catch it, and you know what? At this moment, I wouldn't care. I would throw up my arms and say "fuck it. I'm done." I don't even know where this came from. I just want to sleep, all day. I want a dreamless sleep too, blog. I don't even want my mind to be active when I sleep. When I sleep, I want my body to shut down and take a break. I want to just be numb, and not feel it for a moment. I feel pathetic. Gimme a day, blog. Just give me a day.


Much Love,
M.

L-o--s-t

Dear Blog,

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. The Zantrex-3 is making my stomach hurt pretty bad, and it's only the first day. It's not doing much to keep my appetite down. I don't want to eat. Just looking at the food makes me sick.

I'm pretty good when it comes to not eating when my friends are not around....but when I'm around people...I feel like they're looking at me. I feel awkward.

Anyway...I got to listen to my friends speak of boy trouble today. Hm. I cant explain my way with relationships. I'm too afraid to get into them. I think I just haven't found someone who can push me the way I need to be. Once I find someone who likes me...it's more...I pick at what's wrong with them then try to actually like them. I find small things I don't like. My friends don't even see me as a relationship person. They see me as a-sexual. I guess that's how it works.

Sometimes I just feel like a hole in the wall, a waste of space. With guys, I'm always the friend...it's been that way most my life. I'm not girly. My friends (who are mostly girls) tell me that I am pretty. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I just don't see it. I hate being this kind of girl. I hate being this person. I want to get out of my skin sometimes.

I wanna roll under the covers and cease to exsist for a brief moment.

Much Love,
M.