Dear Blog,
Well I have been had! I got very....very drunk (stay away from Popov kids...) and basically spilled my guts to my room mate. When I say spill my guts, I mean most literally too. God....that night was...rough and a total disaster.
I woke up the next morning with scratches on my arm and some skin missing. There were some red welts as well. I can't believe it. I totally blacked out. I've never been that drunk before....ever. Geeze. I could just smack myself. I'm so stupid. My room mate sat me down and told me she knows I still cut. (She took away my knife and scissors. Great.) She told me she's been noticing that I haven't really been eating and have lost weight too.
She wants to go on a healthy diet. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. It's just........I dunno. I feel awkward asking for that kind of help. "Hey Room Mate I wanna cut myself. Let's chit-chat."
How does that even work?
I give it a week before things go back to normal.
Either way, the day after that....I didn't eat anything after breakfast. We went to Denny's, and all I ate was a piece of french toast and some sausage. I was good. I'm proud of myself. I don't even have the urge to eat anymore. I'm pretty good at suppressing any hunger pains. I just either chug some milk, or some water with my diet pills. Works pretty well. I've made sure to work out as much as I can too. I can see differences.
All I had today was some Fiji water, 6 of the new pills, A diet Coke, and some Raisin Bran. I'm not even hungry, which is not bad.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My room mate went grocery shopping with me yesterday. I can tell you....I wanted to cry. It was the hardest thing. Not having had much to eat that day, and seeing all that food. I was seriously stressed out. I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I hate grocery shopping, so much.
Anyway...bed time...even though I've been sleeping majority of today.
I'm very tired, most of the time.
Much Love,
M.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Caught
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6 comments:
I notice you put labels on your entries. What's the purpose? Is that so people can find your entries in a search? If that's the case then it would sugget you want attention - you want people to know about your issues (nothing wrong with that). In one entry you wrote "I'm starting to realize my friends aren't the most observant people." Well has this worked? Have you gotten anyone's attention? Apparently you have mine. So now that you have my attention, what do you want to tell me? Why don't you start with why you hurt yourself.
I put tags because it helps me keep track of what I write. As far as I know, tags can only help you search whats on the blog your reading, not other blogs. If I'm wrong then....oh shit?
Wanting attention and wanting to not get caught is a weird kind of struggle. I don't want to have to sit down and talk about it for long and deal with crying. It's awkward and uncomfortable. All around, not a good time. There are times when I want to talk to them, because I feel like I need to. It's a no win situation.
See how that works? Trust me, if I wanted to tell them any time soon...it wouldn't be the way that I did. Not my best move in life.
I can relate to that 'awkward and uncomfortable' feeling of having to initiate a conversation about this shit. I can't stand opening up about about it. I feel so flawed or like I'm just begging for everyone's attention and I should be ashamed of that. I also know that not sharing continues one on the path to slow suicide - that is what it is really, right? Suicide.
If you want to share with me - you can. I've been in treatment for this. I still struggle with it. I still occasionally purge. I am not perfect. I don't have all the answers. I probably can't help you ultimately. But I can hear you and isn't that whate we want... to be heard for a change?
Peaced to ya aye.
John
PS. I have a facebook account if you'd like to find out more about me.
I have to admit. I misjudged you. I thought this would be another speech from someone who was full of hot air. You're quite the opposite. I'm sorry for even thinking that way.
I can honestly say I understand what you typed. It's not a fun struggle and it's not one that's easily talked about. Contrary to popular belief, help is not hard to find. It's hard to ask for. I'm sure you know this all too well.
I don't think the apologyy is necessary, but thanks nonetheless. It's hard sometimes to know to whom one is talking on the internet, right? So no sweat eh.
So why do you think you hurt yourself? I'll share why I do if you do the same. Maybe we'll find out something interesting, eh?
I think it's mostly a control factor. I don't have to feel whatever I'm feeling as strongly when I do it. When I cut, I suppose it's a way to control what I feel more so than talking about it or crying about it. Then it's done and over with. Sometimes I think it comes from a place of anger as well. Too angry to know what to do....and there's a pair of scissors or an exato knife..or something else sharp...you just kinda go for it.
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