Dear Me

Fat ass

Much Love,
M

I refuse.

Dear Blog,

So I'm sitting here in my kitchen and looking around at everything there is to eat. My mother is infamous for packing our kitchen full of goodies to eat. My friend's love my kitchen. I am by myself so far and no one is around here to judge what I eat....and you know what...I won't pick anything up. I've seen a million things I want to eat, but I seriously can't MAKE myself pick them up. Today all I've had to eat is half a Chicken Cesar Salad Wrap, and a Jello. I didn't even eat most my CCSW. ( I am too lazy to write it out again.) I ended up feeding most of the chicken in it to the stray cats outside. I have only taken one dose of Cylaris too. So either I've trained myself not to eat, or the pills are working over time.

I decided to test myself today. I thought about everything that I love to eat. I pictured it right in front of me and how it smelled. You know what? I couldn't even THINK of eating it. I couldn't think of eating anything. I don't want to eat anything. I don't know why it's like that. Last night my friends did decide to go to dinner, after 8. Damnit. As soon as I heard thats what we were doing, my mood shifted. I was irritable. I could tell too, so I can't even imagine what my friends were thinking. I ordered the CCSW I mentioned earlier (It was a left over.) I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but I felt like....I had to get something. I don't know why Blog. I don't know why I felt I needed to get anything, but I did. I hardly had anything to eat. I didn't know the meal came with fries. Turns out it did. Yippie? I picked at the fries a little. I ate a little of the wrap. I couldn't make myself eat anymore. Why did I agree to go? I knew I wouldn't eat anything. I should have said I was tired or something, just gone home.

Oh. So I read that Cylaris can cause insomnia, and trust me I am feeling it. Normally I go to bed around 12 or 1...but since I started taking the pill, I'm up way later. I'm tired, that's for sure, but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep as easily as I used to. I'm a girl who likes her sleep, so this is a down side. Price to pay I suppose. I used to have sleeping problems when I was younger, so I'll just adjust.

Much Love,
M.

Stomach Growl

Dear Blog,

I've enjoyed a red meat free diet for a week or so now....but I slipped up today. I had a hamburger today with cheese. I didn't really want to eat it because I had a piece of cheesecake last night after 8pm, but a friend's mother had made it and I didn't want to be rude. There were fries too. I made sure to take two Cylaris before eating it, but still. When I first started taking Cylaris, it worked quick when it came to making me get full pretty quick, now not so much. I mean it still makes me full pretty quick, but now not so much. I've been researching the side effects of taking just one extra pill. The label says it won't do anything...I don't know if I believe that. It might help kinda. They could be just saying that to prevent you from taking more then needed. One extra pill a day can't hurt...right?

Either way, I haven't eaten anything since then. I had one glass of Diet Coke, but that's it. Not bad. Not bad. I've been distracted most of today though. I guess I'm lucky. Tonight I'm going out though...We're going to the movies...I'm just gonna get a water. I'm hoping we don't go out for dinner or anything.

Blog? Is it sad that I'm keeping track of this. Do people normally keep track of everything they eat? I have...I'm deciding by that if I should eat anymore. The Cylaris helps, but not enough. Damnit. I'm fine when I'm standing. I'm not so bothered, but once I sit down...I notice everything. Every fold of skin. Ever extra pound. I fucking hate it. I wish I could just get Lipo. You know. Start all over. Just start from the beginning. I could be as thin as I wanted and then continue to take Cylaris and watch what I eat. It would be a fresh start. Currently, it's just like making up for all my years of not caring. It's the back tracking that's killing me. I'm sitting here thinking about all the times I would eat more then I needed or eat things I shouldn't. It's making my stomach turn. It's making me sick.

Maybe I'll try the tooth brush again.

I'm waiting for the day I look back on this and read it. Maybe I'll think about how happy I am I went through this, because then I'll be happy how I look. Maybe I'll say " oh how stupid," or maybe I'll still be in the same place. That would be terrible. Dear reader, you've probably noticed by now how I go back and forth from subject to subject. I also tend to start to see the error of my ways and then I quickly fight it back down. It's like a constant fight between what I know is right and what I'm told is right. Battle of the Titans. I don't know what to do. I feel kind of helpless right now. I was actually in a perfectly happy mood till I sat down and started writing.

I wonder if anyone I know will read this and know it's me. I wonder if they'll spot it from a mile away. They might see the little picture captions I make and spot them out from other things. I've made sure to mostly use pictures I've never shown anyone. I don't know. I don't know if my friend's know me as well as they think they do sometimes. I don't think they'd ever expect something like this out of me. I could be wrong. We'll find out. For now, lovely blog, you're my best kept secret.

Much Love,
M.

Just Saying

Dear Blog,
I decided to list the things I don't hate on my body.
It's just a little...cheer me up.
A little look on the bright side. So here it goes.
1) My eyes
2) My nose
3) My scars
4) My Feet

Much Love,
M

Cylaris

Dear Blog,

Well I've been taking Cylaris for about a week now. Cylaris is a appetite suppressant and supposedly helps you loose weight. Oh yes, dear readers, I am one of those girls. I can't seem to throw up my food. I've stuck my tooth brush in the back of my throat a few times now, and it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I end up just gagging and then feeling like I have to throw up after. Weight has been an issue all my life. Just as soon as I think I'm okay with it and happy without myself...then something pops up. Someone likes to point out otherwise, whether it be a subtle jab from a parent or something I make up in my head.

All my friends seem to have eating disorders, or are recovering from them. You know though...they all got their results. They're all not scary skinny, or fear eating. They all have happy appetites. They tell me that they think about it from time to time. You know....I think about it all the time. I wanna feel what they feel.

Maybe they're all fakers. I know I am. I'm the world's best actress. "I've stopped cutting." "I'm happy with how I look." "I don't care what they say." "I'm content with myself." If any of them were to figure out who writes this, they would probably be able to think back to all the times I've said that right to them. You can probably count all the times I've said something such as that on both your hands, maybe even your toes. It's called lying. I'm becoming very good at it. I can play the part of the content teenager. I play it well. I was even able to fool my therapist, not that it was really therapy. I mostly sat and made a joke or two. She told me I was her most entertaining client. Yep. I can make you laugh and look right past anything. I'm easily over looked. I can be good at little things, but it never seems to be enough to make me pop you know? I'm not fat. I won't go as far as to say that....well...in my head I am...everyone else likes to say I'm just a "little over weight." Hm...I don't know.

You know what I've noticed? Your friends don't want to see when you're a mess. Well...I don't need to lie to you little Internet blog. You don't know who I am, so you can't expose me for the huge fake I've become. You can't see me on the street and point me out. You won't call me out. I've been part of many talks with other friends about their issues, yet I've never received one of those talks. Like I said, I'm the perfect fake. Maybe it's just a phase. That's what I tell myself. It's just a phase. I'll be over it soon, but as I sit here with the bottle of Cylaris resting on my leg, leaning towards the edge of the laptop....I know it might not be that simple. Addictions have never been a real issue for me. Ive always been able to control them. I can pick up a cigarette and put it down for a year just as easy. I can rip into my skin and then clean it up and not think about it just as easy. I can't seem to break my weight as easy. How stupid. Something has to be wrong with me...that...or this is just how my generation is. This is what we've been reduced to. This is what we've become. You know, Blogger, that our generation is the first of many that we are actually expected not to do anything? No one wants to expect anything from us because they know that we will let them down! How insane is that. How stupid is that. They expect us to sleep, eat, purge, starve, overdose, or get pregnant. We are real diamonds my friend. True winners. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I might be sick. Hm. Maybe people are sick when they read what I write. Maybe I actually make people angry. Wouldn't be surprised. Anyway...I think I'm going to go to the store and see what different pills they have, I think my body is getting used to these ones. It tells me not to take more then 4 a day.....6 shouldn't hurt?



Much Love,
M

xoxo

Dear Blog.

I just want you to know that you will never know me. You won't get to see the way my eyebrow flinches or my lips curve in reaction to what I'm writing. I've decided to indulge in being absolutely anonymous. That's one of the wonders of the internet right? You don't stand out until your display name on Myspace reads "R.I.P" (Which is followed by a rush of comments of people telling you how much they miss you like the next day you're going to comment back..........dead people don't myspace. Sorry. I guess it helps them feel like they're still able to talk to that person...okay...I'll go with it. ) or you expose some naked part of your body for the world to see. Even then I guess you still don't stand out that much. If you won't show your boobs on the internet, there is always another girl who will, and another one who will show more. If you decide you don't want to be friends with someone, then they can quickly find another person who will. If you decide not to buy that magazine, or not to tip the evil waiter...someone else is going to. That's how the world works. There is always someone who can replace you or who will do what you won't, right? It's a real shitty cycle.

Although there is that one moment when you feel like you can't be replaced. That's what it means to be happy, when someone can't get someone else to do what you do or be who you be. That's what it means to be happy. Atleast that's what I think. I'm sure there are many other scenarios that can make you be just as happy, but that is something to smile about.

You know....I know plenty of people may read this and it can go either way...and either way might start with the word "Wow."

I'm either:

a) over analyzing
b) intuitive
c) creative (which can mean the same thing as b I guess in some cases)
d) depressing
or e) for Emo.

Here's the thing blog.
I don't really care what the answer is.
Wanna know why?
They don't know me. Anyone who reads this is only seeing this one side. They're only going to see that one side of me. That's fine. It's the price of being anonymous I suppose. They don't have to know me....or even get to know me...in fact, I'd rather they didn't. I don't mind being the dent in the wall that you only giving a passing glance, or who knows....I could turn out to be the big hole in the dry wall. Don't know, and don't care. We'll see how things go.

Until they either form an opinion, or decide they don't care.........I'll just keep writing and see what I get.


Much Love,

M