Fat

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I ignored you yesterday. It was not intentional. I was just rather busy. I finished Cylaris yesterday. I was rather happy with it. Unfortunately when I went to the store, they were sold out. I decided to see I could try. I've heard many things about Zantrex-3. Why not give it a try? I took my first dose today, but it was too late. I had to go to a wedding today and food was everywhere. My cousin payed 30 dollars a plate too....so it wasn't a matter of getting up and watching what I ate...it was a matter of it being sat IN FRONT of me. When I got home...I just felt terrible. I'm looking in the mirror and whatever nice feeling I had...is gone. I don't feel like there is much of a difference anymore. I don't know if I can do my work out routine tonight either because people will be over.

I'm in such a downer mood right now...
I make myself sick.
I hate myself sometimes.


Much Love,
M.

Well Shit on bricks.

Dear Blog,

I am posting from my laptop as I sit on the kitchen counter at my friend's house. I managed to avoid real good most of today.....I had maybe a few pieces of Chex Mix and then threw away the whole bag. It was bought for me, but I shouldn't be eating it.

Unfortunately for me, my friend whom I shall call B, came over. Now I love B. I love her to death. I'm not upset she came over, but she knows me pretty well. She knows that sometimes I just don't eat, mostly because she just seems to notice. She's over at my house enough to know when I haven't bothered to eat anything all day. Something must have sparked when turned down going to lunch. I guess......I don't know.

I was doing so good...

Unfortunately, then my mom made a chicken dinner "especially" for me. Am I not hiding this as well anymore? I ate 5 small pieces of sauteed chicken. My mom then proceeded to bug me to eat more. "You can have more, I made plenty." I told them I am simply "not hungry." B then went ahead and said how I hadn't eaten anything all day. Well Shit. I picked two more pieces from the pan and ate them hesitantly. I had too. I was under a microscope.

I ended up deciding to go to B's house. We could hang out and she'd see that "I'm okay." Yeah. I also didn't want to be alone tonight. Not after last night. I didn't want to go at that again. If I'm at a friend's house, I can't cut myself. I can't think about throwing up, and I can't cry. Emphasis on cry. I'm not the type of person that cries in front of people. It's rare to see that. I don't want my friends to see me like that.

Well I get to her house and her mom has just gone shopping. This is just God playing the cruelest joke on me. I ended up eating a low fat poptart, and some baked tostitos. I even gave in and had a Diet Pepsi. I had to! I felt like she was watching me. I snuck a Cylaris before eating though. Luck for me I did my work outs before leaving the house, and I will try to go to the gym for the first time in a long time tomorrow. I wanna run on the tread mill a little. Anyway.....Here's the issue with the Cylaris. This is my 5th one I've taken today. You're not supposed to exceed 4. I had to take it though. I had to. She's got her eye on me now.

I hate myself for eating. With every bite I hate myself a little more.
I wanna go throw it up so bad.
I wanna just pretend it never happened.
I fucking hate myself.
My fast is serious starting today. Wish me luck.


Oh! B is coming.

Much Love,
M.

I refuse.

Dear Blog,

So I'm sitting here in my kitchen and looking around at everything there is to eat. My mother is infamous for packing our kitchen full of goodies to eat. My friend's love my kitchen. I am by myself so far and no one is around here to judge what I eat....and you know what...I won't pick anything up. I've seen a million things I want to eat, but I seriously can't MAKE myself pick them up. Today all I've had to eat is half a Chicken Cesar Salad Wrap, and a Jello. I didn't even eat most my CCSW. ( I am too lazy to write it out again.) I ended up feeding most of the chicken in it to the stray cats outside. I have only taken one dose of Cylaris too. So either I've trained myself not to eat, or the pills are working over time.

I decided to test myself today. I thought about everything that I love to eat. I pictured it right in front of me and how it smelled. You know what? I couldn't even THINK of eating it. I couldn't think of eating anything. I don't want to eat anything. I don't know why it's like that. Last night my friends did decide to go to dinner, after 8. Damnit. As soon as I heard thats what we were doing, my mood shifted. I was irritable. I could tell too, so I can't even imagine what my friends were thinking. I ordered the CCSW I mentioned earlier (It was a left over.) I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but I felt like....I had to get something. I don't know why Blog. I don't know why I felt I needed to get anything, but I did. I hardly had anything to eat. I didn't know the meal came with fries. Turns out it did. Yippie? I picked at the fries a little. I ate a little of the wrap. I couldn't make myself eat anymore. Why did I agree to go? I knew I wouldn't eat anything. I should have said I was tired or something, just gone home.

Oh. So I read that Cylaris can cause insomnia, and trust me I am feeling it. Normally I go to bed around 12 or 1...but since I started taking the pill, I'm up way later. I'm tired, that's for sure, but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep as easily as I used to. I'm a girl who likes her sleep, so this is a down side. Price to pay I suppose. I used to have sleeping problems when I was younger, so I'll just adjust.

Much Love,
M.