Feel the burn

Dear Blog,

No pain. No gain. Right?

Much Love,
M.

:]

Dear Blog,

I am pretty proud of myself. I've had no soda today. Only milk and water. I only had a pasta dinner I was made to eat, and that's without the pills. I just haven't been hungry. I even worked out extra hard tonight. I missed the last two nights, so I had to make up for it. I broke a sweat, that's for sure. I can feel it too. I feel like I did good today.

Yay me :]

Much Love,
M.

Shrink

Dear Blog,

I continued to do my work out regime after I posted. I went another 34 minutes. I had to force myself to go to bed. Even in bed I did what I could with my arms.

I actually think I'm starting to see a difference. I'm supposed to go to lunch with the friends soon, so we'll see. I still don't plan to eat anything. I don't want to fuck up my progress, so yeah.

Oh. SO Cylaris is giving me terrible insomnia. I'm almost out. I have 3 pills left. I need to make a trip to the store after I meet them. I'll just take the rest before lunch. I might try a new pill. Not sure yet.

I will update you with more information.


Much Love,
M

Sweat

Dear Blog,

I just spent the last 45 minutes doing my nightly work out routine over and over. I've worked up a sweat. Is that enough to redeem my slip up? I promise I'll do better.

I will do better.


...I can go another 30 minutes...
I will.


Much Love,
M.

Well Shit on bricks.

Dear Blog,

I am posting from my laptop as I sit on the kitchen counter at my friend's house. I managed to avoid real good most of today.....I had maybe a few pieces of Chex Mix and then threw away the whole bag. It was bought for me, but I shouldn't be eating it.

Unfortunately for me, my friend whom I shall call B, came over. Now I love B. I love her to death. I'm not upset she came over, but she knows me pretty well. She knows that sometimes I just don't eat, mostly because she just seems to notice. She's over at my house enough to know when I haven't bothered to eat anything all day. Something must have sparked when turned down going to lunch. I guess......I don't know.

I was doing so good...

Unfortunately, then my mom made a chicken dinner "especially" for me. Am I not hiding this as well anymore? I ate 5 small pieces of sauteed chicken. My mom then proceeded to bug me to eat more. "You can have more, I made plenty." I told them I am simply "not hungry." B then went ahead and said how I hadn't eaten anything all day. Well Shit. I picked two more pieces from the pan and ate them hesitantly. I had too. I was under a microscope.

I ended up deciding to go to B's house. We could hang out and she'd see that "I'm okay." Yeah. I also didn't want to be alone tonight. Not after last night. I didn't want to go at that again. If I'm at a friend's house, I can't cut myself. I can't think about throwing up, and I can't cry. Emphasis on cry. I'm not the type of person that cries in front of people. It's rare to see that. I don't want my friends to see me like that.

Well I get to her house and her mom has just gone shopping. This is just God playing the cruelest joke on me. I ended up eating a low fat poptart, and some baked tostitos. I even gave in and had a Diet Pepsi. I had to! I felt like she was watching me. I snuck a Cylaris before eating though. Luck for me I did my work outs before leaving the house, and I will try to go to the gym for the first time in a long time tomorrow. I wanna run on the tread mill a little. Anyway.....Here's the issue with the Cylaris. This is my 5th one I've taken today. You're not supposed to exceed 4. I had to take it though. I had to. She's got her eye on me now.

I hate myself for eating. With every bite I hate myself a little more.
I wanna go throw it up so bad.
I wanna just pretend it never happened.
I fucking hate myself.
My fast is serious starting today. Wish me luck.


Oh! B is coming.

Much Love,
M.

Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.

I refuse.

Dear Blog,

So I'm sitting here in my kitchen and looking around at everything there is to eat. My mother is infamous for packing our kitchen full of goodies to eat. My friend's love my kitchen. I am by myself so far and no one is around here to judge what I eat....and you know what...I won't pick anything up. I've seen a million things I want to eat, but I seriously can't MAKE myself pick them up. Today all I've had to eat is half a Chicken Cesar Salad Wrap, and a Jello. I didn't even eat most my CCSW. ( I am too lazy to write it out again.) I ended up feeding most of the chicken in it to the stray cats outside. I have only taken one dose of Cylaris too. So either I've trained myself not to eat, or the pills are working over time.

I decided to test myself today. I thought about everything that I love to eat. I pictured it right in front of me and how it smelled. You know what? I couldn't even THINK of eating it. I couldn't think of eating anything. I don't want to eat anything. I don't know why it's like that. Last night my friends did decide to go to dinner, after 8. Damnit. As soon as I heard thats what we were doing, my mood shifted. I was irritable. I could tell too, so I can't even imagine what my friends were thinking. I ordered the CCSW I mentioned earlier (It was a left over.) I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but I felt like....I had to get something. I don't know why Blog. I don't know why I felt I needed to get anything, but I did. I hardly had anything to eat. I didn't know the meal came with fries. Turns out it did. Yippie? I picked at the fries a little. I ate a little of the wrap. I couldn't make myself eat anymore. Why did I agree to go? I knew I wouldn't eat anything. I should have said I was tired or something, just gone home.

Oh. So I read that Cylaris can cause insomnia, and trust me I am feeling it. Normally I go to bed around 12 or 1...but since I started taking the pill, I'm up way later. I'm tired, that's for sure, but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep as easily as I used to. I'm a girl who likes her sleep, so this is a down side. Price to pay I suppose. I used to have sleeping problems when I was younger, so I'll just adjust.

Much Love,
M.

Stomach Growl

Dear Blog,

I've enjoyed a red meat free diet for a week or so now....but I slipped up today. I had a hamburger today with cheese. I didn't really want to eat it because I had a piece of cheesecake last night after 8pm, but a friend's mother had made it and I didn't want to be rude. There were fries too. I made sure to take two Cylaris before eating it, but still. When I first started taking Cylaris, it worked quick when it came to making me get full pretty quick, now not so much. I mean it still makes me full pretty quick, but now not so much. I've been researching the side effects of taking just one extra pill. The label says it won't do anything...I don't know if I believe that. It might help kinda. They could be just saying that to prevent you from taking more then needed. One extra pill a day can't hurt...right?

Either way, I haven't eaten anything since then. I had one glass of Diet Coke, but that's it. Not bad. Not bad. I've been distracted most of today though. I guess I'm lucky. Tonight I'm going out though...We're going to the movies...I'm just gonna get a water. I'm hoping we don't go out for dinner or anything.

Blog? Is it sad that I'm keeping track of this. Do people normally keep track of everything they eat? I have...I'm deciding by that if I should eat anymore. The Cylaris helps, but not enough. Damnit. I'm fine when I'm standing. I'm not so bothered, but once I sit down...I notice everything. Every fold of skin. Ever extra pound. I fucking hate it. I wish I could just get Lipo. You know. Start all over. Just start from the beginning. I could be as thin as I wanted and then continue to take Cylaris and watch what I eat. It would be a fresh start. Currently, it's just like making up for all my years of not caring. It's the back tracking that's killing me. I'm sitting here thinking about all the times I would eat more then I needed or eat things I shouldn't. It's making my stomach turn. It's making me sick.

Maybe I'll try the tooth brush again.

I'm waiting for the day I look back on this and read it. Maybe I'll think about how happy I am I went through this, because then I'll be happy how I look. Maybe I'll say " oh how stupid," or maybe I'll still be in the same place. That would be terrible. Dear reader, you've probably noticed by now how I go back and forth from subject to subject. I also tend to start to see the error of my ways and then I quickly fight it back down. It's like a constant fight between what I know is right and what I'm told is right. Battle of the Titans. I don't know what to do. I feel kind of helpless right now. I was actually in a perfectly happy mood till I sat down and started writing.

I wonder if anyone I know will read this and know it's me. I wonder if they'll spot it from a mile away. They might see the little picture captions I make and spot them out from other things. I've made sure to mostly use pictures I've never shown anyone. I don't know. I don't know if my friend's know me as well as they think they do sometimes. I don't think they'd ever expect something like this out of me. I could be wrong. We'll find out. For now, lovely blog, you're my best kept secret.

Much Love,
M.

Just Saying

Dear Blog,
I decided to list the things I don't hate on my body.
It's just a little...cheer me up.
A little look on the bright side. So here it goes.
1) My eyes
2) My nose
3) My scars
4) My Feet

Much Love,
M

Cylaris

Dear Blog,

Well I've been taking Cylaris for about a week now. Cylaris is a appetite suppressant and supposedly helps you loose weight. Oh yes, dear readers, I am one of those girls. I can't seem to throw up my food. I've stuck my tooth brush in the back of my throat a few times now, and it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I end up just gagging and then feeling like I have to throw up after. Weight has been an issue all my life. Just as soon as I think I'm okay with it and happy without myself...then something pops up. Someone likes to point out otherwise, whether it be a subtle jab from a parent or something I make up in my head.

All my friends seem to have eating disorders, or are recovering from them. You know though...they all got their results. They're all not scary skinny, or fear eating. They all have happy appetites. They tell me that they think about it from time to time. You know....I think about it all the time. I wanna feel what they feel.

Maybe they're all fakers. I know I am. I'm the world's best actress. "I've stopped cutting." "I'm happy with how I look." "I don't care what they say." "I'm content with myself." If any of them were to figure out who writes this, they would probably be able to think back to all the times I've said that right to them. You can probably count all the times I've said something such as that on both your hands, maybe even your toes. It's called lying. I'm becoming very good at it. I can play the part of the content teenager. I play it well. I was even able to fool my therapist, not that it was really therapy. I mostly sat and made a joke or two. She told me I was her most entertaining client. Yep. I can make you laugh and look right past anything. I'm easily over looked. I can be good at little things, but it never seems to be enough to make me pop you know? I'm not fat. I won't go as far as to say that....well...in my head I am...everyone else likes to say I'm just a "little over weight." Hm...I don't know.

You know what I've noticed? Your friends don't want to see when you're a mess. Well...I don't need to lie to you little Internet blog. You don't know who I am, so you can't expose me for the huge fake I've become. You can't see me on the street and point me out. You won't call me out. I've been part of many talks with other friends about their issues, yet I've never received one of those talks. Like I said, I'm the perfect fake. Maybe it's just a phase. That's what I tell myself. It's just a phase. I'll be over it soon, but as I sit here with the bottle of Cylaris resting on my leg, leaning towards the edge of the laptop....I know it might not be that simple. Addictions have never been a real issue for me. Ive always been able to control them. I can pick up a cigarette and put it down for a year just as easy. I can rip into my skin and then clean it up and not think about it just as easy. I can't seem to break my weight as easy. How stupid. Something has to be wrong with me...that...or this is just how my generation is. This is what we've been reduced to. This is what we've become. You know, Blogger, that our generation is the first of many that we are actually expected not to do anything? No one wants to expect anything from us because they know that we will let them down! How insane is that. How stupid is that. They expect us to sleep, eat, purge, starve, overdose, or get pregnant. We are real diamonds my friend. True winners. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I might be sick. Hm. Maybe people are sick when they read what I write. Maybe I actually make people angry. Wouldn't be surprised. Anyway...I think I'm going to go to the store and see what different pills they have, I think my body is getting used to these ones. It tells me not to take more then 4 a day.....6 shouldn't hurt?



Much Love,
M