Ouch....Ouch...ooww...

Dear Blog,

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I've literally been working out majority of today. I worked out for over an hour last night, and I spent most of today doing work out sessions around the house. (My gym membership is um....way expired because my fat ass is lazy..)

My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. Every bit of me is exhausted and in pain.

Maybe I over did it?

I just want to loose it. I want my skin to just shrink and go away. I've had mostly mac and cheese today. I just...don't have much to run on. Damnit...it's bed time. I can't take being awake much longer.

Much Love,
M.

Poppin

Dear Blog,

Well....last night was a trip. Literally. I ended up going to a party with some friends, and from what I remember....it was fun. Yay. I felt pretty good about myself and I can tell my clothes are fitting better. This is a good thing. I don't snack anymore and I don't eat more than 1 or 2 meals a day. I'm doing pretty good.

Here is the bad part. I ended up getting very fucked up last night. Let's see what was in my system. Aspirin. Zantrex-3. Pot. Beer. Smirnoff. Some kind of shitty Beer, and Captain Morgan. I can down Smirnoff. Once I down at least 4-5 Smirnoff, I can down any other liquor pretty well. Recently, I've been having an issue with mixing medication. I don't know why. It's more...I do it...and not think about it.

Either way. I was a mess. I was up one moment and the world was spinning from under my feet the next. I felt totally out of control and I knew it. It was like sitting back and watching myself be an ass, and not being able to stop. I drunk dialed, which was an event I regret. I felt sick, because I hadn't eaten much at all that day. I don't know. Either way...today I needed to exercise the sugar and calories off from the partying last night. I worked out for a little more than an hour. I ate two rather small meals, both with two zantrex. I'm feeling pretty good right now I guess.

Here's hoping no mood swings on this end tonight. I can't take another downer. Ya know?

Either way. I'm not too worried about my friends finding out about you anymore Blog. Really, I'm not. Wanna know why? Well, it's because I know they will never find you. (Knock on Wood) Even if they did, I wonder if they would say anything. Oh well. The internet is a large place. Hm. In real life, I am pretty easily over looked. There isn't much to me I guess.

Wish me luck, blog.

Much Love,
M.

Feel the burn

Dear Blog,

No pain. No gain. Right?

Much Love,
M.

Fat

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I ignored you yesterday. It was not intentional. I was just rather busy. I finished Cylaris yesterday. I was rather happy with it. Unfortunately when I went to the store, they were sold out. I decided to see I could try. I've heard many things about Zantrex-3. Why not give it a try? I took my first dose today, but it was too late. I had to go to a wedding today and food was everywhere. My cousin payed 30 dollars a plate too....so it wasn't a matter of getting up and watching what I ate...it was a matter of it being sat IN FRONT of me. When I got home...I just felt terrible. I'm looking in the mirror and whatever nice feeling I had...is gone. I don't feel like there is much of a difference anymore. I don't know if I can do my work out routine tonight either because people will be over.

I'm in such a downer mood right now...
I make myself sick.
I hate myself sometimes.


Much Love,
M.

Sweat

Dear Blog,

I just spent the last 45 minutes doing my nightly work out routine over and over. I've worked up a sweat. Is that enough to redeem my slip up? I promise I'll do better.

I will do better.


...I can go another 30 minutes...
I will.


Much Love,
M.

Well Shit on bricks.

Dear Blog,

I am posting from my laptop as I sit on the kitchen counter at my friend's house. I managed to avoid real good most of today.....I had maybe a few pieces of Chex Mix and then threw away the whole bag. It was bought for me, but I shouldn't be eating it.

Unfortunately for me, my friend whom I shall call B, came over. Now I love B. I love her to death. I'm not upset she came over, but she knows me pretty well. She knows that sometimes I just don't eat, mostly because she just seems to notice. She's over at my house enough to know when I haven't bothered to eat anything all day. Something must have sparked when turned down going to lunch. I guess......I don't know.

I was doing so good...

Unfortunately, then my mom made a chicken dinner "especially" for me. Am I not hiding this as well anymore? I ate 5 small pieces of sauteed chicken. My mom then proceeded to bug me to eat more. "You can have more, I made plenty." I told them I am simply "not hungry." B then went ahead and said how I hadn't eaten anything all day. Well Shit. I picked two more pieces from the pan and ate them hesitantly. I had too. I was under a microscope.

I ended up deciding to go to B's house. We could hang out and she'd see that "I'm okay." Yeah. I also didn't want to be alone tonight. Not after last night. I didn't want to go at that again. If I'm at a friend's house, I can't cut myself. I can't think about throwing up, and I can't cry. Emphasis on cry. I'm not the type of person that cries in front of people. It's rare to see that. I don't want my friends to see me like that.

Well I get to her house and her mom has just gone shopping. This is just God playing the cruelest joke on me. I ended up eating a low fat poptart, and some baked tostitos. I even gave in and had a Diet Pepsi. I had to! I felt like she was watching me. I snuck a Cylaris before eating though. Luck for me I did my work outs before leaving the house, and I will try to go to the gym for the first time in a long time tomorrow. I wanna run on the tread mill a little. Anyway.....Here's the issue with the Cylaris. This is my 5th one I've taken today. You're not supposed to exceed 4. I had to take it though. I had to. She's got her eye on me now.

I hate myself for eating. With every bite I hate myself a little more.
I wanna go throw it up so bad.
I wanna just pretend it never happened.
I fucking hate myself.
My fast is serious starting today. Wish me luck.


Oh! B is coming.

Much Love,
M.

Cylaris

Dear Blog,

Well I've been taking Cylaris for about a week now. Cylaris is a appetite suppressant and supposedly helps you loose weight. Oh yes, dear readers, I am one of those girls. I can't seem to throw up my food. I've stuck my tooth brush in the back of my throat a few times now, and it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I end up just gagging and then feeling like I have to throw up after. Weight has been an issue all my life. Just as soon as I think I'm okay with it and happy without myself...then something pops up. Someone likes to point out otherwise, whether it be a subtle jab from a parent or something I make up in my head.

All my friends seem to have eating disorders, or are recovering from them. You know though...they all got their results. They're all not scary skinny, or fear eating. They all have happy appetites. They tell me that they think about it from time to time. You know....I think about it all the time. I wanna feel what they feel.

Maybe they're all fakers. I know I am. I'm the world's best actress. "I've stopped cutting." "I'm happy with how I look." "I don't care what they say." "I'm content with myself." If any of them were to figure out who writes this, they would probably be able to think back to all the times I've said that right to them. You can probably count all the times I've said something such as that on both your hands, maybe even your toes. It's called lying. I'm becoming very good at it. I can play the part of the content teenager. I play it well. I was even able to fool my therapist, not that it was really therapy. I mostly sat and made a joke or two. She told me I was her most entertaining client. Yep. I can make you laugh and look right past anything. I'm easily over looked. I can be good at little things, but it never seems to be enough to make me pop you know? I'm not fat. I won't go as far as to say that....well...in my head I am...everyone else likes to say I'm just a "little over weight." Hm...I don't know.

You know what I've noticed? Your friends don't want to see when you're a mess. Well...I don't need to lie to you little Internet blog. You don't know who I am, so you can't expose me for the huge fake I've become. You can't see me on the street and point me out. You won't call me out. I've been part of many talks with other friends about their issues, yet I've never received one of those talks. Like I said, I'm the perfect fake. Maybe it's just a phase. That's what I tell myself. It's just a phase. I'll be over it soon, but as I sit here with the bottle of Cylaris resting on my leg, leaning towards the edge of the laptop....I know it might not be that simple. Addictions have never been a real issue for me. Ive always been able to control them. I can pick up a cigarette and put it down for a year just as easy. I can rip into my skin and then clean it up and not think about it just as easy. I can't seem to break my weight as easy. How stupid. Something has to be wrong with me...that...or this is just how my generation is. This is what we've been reduced to. This is what we've become. You know, Blogger, that our generation is the first of many that we are actually expected not to do anything? No one wants to expect anything from us because they know that we will let them down! How insane is that. How stupid is that. They expect us to sleep, eat, purge, starve, overdose, or get pregnant. We are real diamonds my friend. True winners. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I might be sick. Hm. Maybe people are sick when they read what I write. Maybe I actually make people angry. Wouldn't be surprised. Anyway...I think I'm going to go to the store and see what different pills they have, I think my body is getting used to these ones. It tells me not to take more then 4 a day.....6 shouldn't hurt?



Much Love,
M