Cylaris

Dear Blog,

Well I've been taking Cylaris for about a week now. Cylaris is a appetite suppressant and supposedly helps you loose weight. Oh yes, dear readers, I am one of those girls. I can't seem to throw up my food. I've stuck my tooth brush in the back of my throat a few times now, and it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I end up just gagging and then feeling like I have to throw up after. Weight has been an issue all my life. Just as soon as I think I'm okay with it and happy without myself...then something pops up. Someone likes to point out otherwise, whether it be a subtle jab from a parent or something I make up in my head.

All my friends seem to have eating disorders, or are recovering from them. You know though...they all got their results. They're all not scary skinny, or fear eating. They all have happy appetites. They tell me that they think about it from time to time. You know....I think about it all the time. I wanna feel what they feel.

Maybe they're all fakers. I know I am. I'm the world's best actress. "I've stopped cutting." "I'm happy with how I look." "I don't care what they say." "I'm content with myself." If any of them were to figure out who writes this, they would probably be able to think back to all the times I've said that right to them. You can probably count all the times I've said something such as that on both your hands, maybe even your toes. It's called lying. I'm becoming very good at it. I can play the part of the content teenager. I play it well. I was even able to fool my therapist, not that it was really therapy. I mostly sat and made a joke or two. She told me I was her most entertaining client. Yep. I can make you laugh and look right past anything. I'm easily over looked. I can be good at little things, but it never seems to be enough to make me pop you know? I'm not fat. I won't go as far as to say that....well...in my head I am...everyone else likes to say I'm just a "little over weight." Hm...I don't know.

You know what I've noticed? Your friends don't want to see when you're a mess. Well...I don't need to lie to you little Internet blog. You don't know who I am, so you can't expose me for the huge fake I've become. You can't see me on the street and point me out. You won't call me out. I've been part of many talks with other friends about their issues, yet I've never received one of those talks. Like I said, I'm the perfect fake. Maybe it's just a phase. That's what I tell myself. It's just a phase. I'll be over it soon, but as I sit here with the bottle of Cylaris resting on my leg, leaning towards the edge of the laptop....I know it might not be that simple. Addictions have never been a real issue for me. Ive always been able to control them. I can pick up a cigarette and put it down for a year just as easy. I can rip into my skin and then clean it up and not think about it just as easy. I can't seem to break my weight as easy. How stupid. Something has to be wrong with me...that...or this is just how my generation is. This is what we've been reduced to. This is what we've become. You know, Blogger, that our generation is the first of many that we are actually expected not to do anything? No one wants to expect anything from us because they know that we will let them down! How insane is that. How stupid is that. They expect us to sleep, eat, purge, starve, overdose, or get pregnant. We are real diamonds my friend. True winners. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I might be sick. Hm. Maybe people are sick when they read what I write. Maybe I actually make people angry. Wouldn't be surprised. Anyway...I think I'm going to go to the store and see what different pills they have, I think my body is getting used to these ones. It tells me not to take more then 4 a day.....6 shouldn't hurt?



Much Love,
M