Caught

Dear Blog,

Well I have been had! I got very....very drunk (stay away from Popov kids...) and basically spilled my guts to my room mate. When I say spill my guts, I mean most literally too. God....that night was...rough and a total disaster.

I woke up the next morning with scratches on my arm and some skin missing. There were some red welts as well. I can't believe it. I totally blacked out. I've never been that drunk before....ever. Geeze. I could just smack myself. I'm so stupid. My room mate sat me down and told me she knows I still cut. (She took away my knife and scissors. Great.) She told me she's been noticing that I haven't really been eating and have lost weight too.
She wants to go on a healthy diet. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. It's just........I dunno. I feel awkward asking for that kind of help. "Hey Room Mate I wanna cut myself. Let's chit-chat."

How does that even work?
I give it a week before things go back to normal.

Either way, the day after that....I didn't eat anything after breakfast. We went to Denny's, and all I ate was a piece of french toast and some sausage. I was good. I'm proud of myself. I don't even have the urge to eat anymore. I'm pretty good at suppressing any hunger pains. I just either chug some milk, or some water with my diet pills. Works pretty well. I've made sure to work out as much as I can too. I can see differences.

All I had today was some Fiji water, 6 of the new pills, A diet Coke, and some Raisin Bran. I'm not even hungry, which is not bad.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. My room mate went grocery shopping with me yesterday. I can tell you....I wanted to cry. It was the hardest thing. Not having had much to eat that day, and seeing all that food. I was seriously stressed out. I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I hate grocery shopping, so much.

Anyway...bed time...even though I've been sleeping majority of today.
I'm very tired, most of the time.

Much Love,
M.

Ouch....Ouch...ooww...

Dear Blog,

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I've literally been working out majority of today. I worked out for over an hour last night, and I spent most of today doing work out sessions around the house. (My gym membership is um....way expired because my fat ass is lazy..)

My arms hurt. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. Every bit of me is exhausted and in pain.

Maybe I over did it?

I just want to loose it. I want my skin to just shrink and go away. I've had mostly mac and cheese today. I just...don't have much to run on. Damnit...it's bed time. I can't take being awake much longer.

Much Love,
M.

Poppin

Dear Blog,

Well....last night was a trip. Literally. I ended up going to a party with some friends, and from what I remember....it was fun. Yay. I felt pretty good about myself and I can tell my clothes are fitting better. This is a good thing. I don't snack anymore and I don't eat more than 1 or 2 meals a day. I'm doing pretty good.

Here is the bad part. I ended up getting very fucked up last night. Let's see what was in my system. Aspirin. Zantrex-3. Pot. Beer. Smirnoff. Some kind of shitty Beer, and Captain Morgan. I can down Smirnoff. Once I down at least 4-5 Smirnoff, I can down any other liquor pretty well. Recently, I've been having an issue with mixing medication. I don't know why. It's more...I do it...and not think about it.

Either way. I was a mess. I was up one moment and the world was spinning from under my feet the next. I felt totally out of control and I knew it. It was like sitting back and watching myself be an ass, and not being able to stop. I drunk dialed, which was an event I regret. I felt sick, because I hadn't eaten much at all that day. I don't know. Either way...today I needed to exercise the sugar and calories off from the partying last night. I worked out for a little more than an hour. I ate two rather small meals, both with two zantrex. I'm feeling pretty good right now I guess.

Here's hoping no mood swings on this end tonight. I can't take another downer. Ya know?

Either way. I'm not too worried about my friends finding out about you anymore Blog. Really, I'm not. Wanna know why? Well, it's because I know they will never find you. (Knock on Wood) Even if they did, I wonder if they would say anything. Oh well. The internet is a large place. Hm. In real life, I am pretty easily over looked. There isn't much to me I guess.

Wish me luck, blog.

Much Love,
M.

Well Fuck Me.

Dear Blog,

I fucking hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Nothing looks right. Feels right or fits right. Just when I start feeling better about myself I make the mistake of going clothes shopping. I had a nice day. I didn't eat more then half a lean pocket and took both doses of Cylaris. I met up with some old friends and my friend even mentioned how I had lost some weight.

Then I go clothes shopping and it all goes to shit. I'm just not in the best place right now. I can't go to B's house, so I'm stuck by myself tonight. It's gonna be a rough night.

Much Love,
M.

Sweat

Dear Blog,

I just spent the last 45 minutes doing my nightly work out routine over and over. I've worked up a sweat. Is that enough to redeem my slip up? I promise I'll do better.

I will do better.


...I can go another 30 minutes...
I will.


Much Love,
M.

Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.

I refuse.

Dear Blog,

So I'm sitting here in my kitchen and looking around at everything there is to eat. My mother is infamous for packing our kitchen full of goodies to eat. My friend's love my kitchen. I am by myself so far and no one is around here to judge what I eat....and you know what...I won't pick anything up. I've seen a million things I want to eat, but I seriously can't MAKE myself pick them up. Today all I've had to eat is half a Chicken Cesar Salad Wrap, and a Jello. I didn't even eat most my CCSW. ( I am too lazy to write it out again.) I ended up feeding most of the chicken in it to the stray cats outside. I have only taken one dose of Cylaris too. So either I've trained myself not to eat, or the pills are working over time.

I decided to test myself today. I thought about everything that I love to eat. I pictured it right in front of me and how it smelled. You know what? I couldn't even THINK of eating it. I couldn't think of eating anything. I don't want to eat anything. I don't know why it's like that. Last night my friends did decide to go to dinner, after 8. Damnit. As soon as I heard thats what we were doing, my mood shifted. I was irritable. I could tell too, so I can't even imagine what my friends were thinking. I ordered the CCSW I mentioned earlier (It was a left over.) I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but I felt like....I had to get something. I don't know why Blog. I don't know why I felt I needed to get anything, but I did. I hardly had anything to eat. I didn't know the meal came with fries. Turns out it did. Yippie? I picked at the fries a little. I ate a little of the wrap. I couldn't make myself eat anymore. Why did I agree to go? I knew I wouldn't eat anything. I should have said I was tired or something, just gone home.

Oh. So I read that Cylaris can cause insomnia, and trust me I am feeling it. Normally I go to bed around 12 or 1...but since I started taking the pill, I'm up way later. I'm tired, that's for sure, but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep as easily as I used to. I'm a girl who likes her sleep, so this is a down side. Price to pay I suppose. I used to have sleeping problems when I was younger, so I'll just adjust.

Much Love,
M.

Cylaris

Dear Blog,

Well I've been taking Cylaris for about a week now. Cylaris is a appetite suppressant and supposedly helps you loose weight. Oh yes, dear readers, I am one of those girls. I can't seem to throw up my food. I've stuck my tooth brush in the back of my throat a few times now, and it doesn't seem to work. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I end up just gagging and then feeling like I have to throw up after. Weight has been an issue all my life. Just as soon as I think I'm okay with it and happy without myself...then something pops up. Someone likes to point out otherwise, whether it be a subtle jab from a parent or something I make up in my head.

All my friends seem to have eating disorders, or are recovering from them. You know though...they all got their results. They're all not scary skinny, or fear eating. They all have happy appetites. They tell me that they think about it from time to time. You know....I think about it all the time. I wanna feel what they feel.

Maybe they're all fakers. I know I am. I'm the world's best actress. "I've stopped cutting." "I'm happy with how I look." "I don't care what they say." "I'm content with myself." If any of them were to figure out who writes this, they would probably be able to think back to all the times I've said that right to them. You can probably count all the times I've said something such as that on both your hands, maybe even your toes. It's called lying. I'm becoming very good at it. I can play the part of the content teenager. I play it well. I was even able to fool my therapist, not that it was really therapy. I mostly sat and made a joke or two. She told me I was her most entertaining client. Yep. I can make you laugh and look right past anything. I'm easily over looked. I can be good at little things, but it never seems to be enough to make me pop you know? I'm not fat. I won't go as far as to say that....well...in my head I am...everyone else likes to say I'm just a "little over weight." Hm...I don't know.

You know what I've noticed? Your friends don't want to see when you're a mess. Well...I don't need to lie to you little Internet blog. You don't know who I am, so you can't expose me for the huge fake I've become. You can't see me on the street and point me out. You won't call me out. I've been part of many talks with other friends about their issues, yet I've never received one of those talks. Like I said, I'm the perfect fake. Maybe it's just a phase. That's what I tell myself. It's just a phase. I'll be over it soon, but as I sit here with the bottle of Cylaris resting on my leg, leaning towards the edge of the laptop....I know it might not be that simple. Addictions have never been a real issue for me. Ive always been able to control them. I can pick up a cigarette and put it down for a year just as easy. I can rip into my skin and then clean it up and not think about it just as easy. I can't seem to break my weight as easy. How stupid. Something has to be wrong with me...that...or this is just how my generation is. This is what we've been reduced to. This is what we've become. You know, Blogger, that our generation is the first of many that we are actually expected not to do anything? No one wants to expect anything from us because they know that we will let them down! How insane is that. How stupid is that. They expect us to sleep, eat, purge, starve, overdose, or get pregnant. We are real diamonds my friend. True winners. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I might be sick. Hm. Maybe people are sick when they read what I write. Maybe I actually make people angry. Wouldn't be surprised. Anyway...I think I'm going to go to the store and see what different pills they have, I think my body is getting used to these ones. It tells me not to take more then 4 a day.....6 shouldn't hurt?



Much Love,
M