Poppin

Dear Blog,

Well....last night was a trip. Literally. I ended up going to a party with some friends, and from what I remember....it was fun. Yay. I felt pretty good about myself and I can tell my clothes are fitting better. This is a good thing. I don't snack anymore and I don't eat more than 1 or 2 meals a day. I'm doing pretty good.

Here is the bad part. I ended up getting very fucked up last night. Let's see what was in my system. Aspirin. Zantrex-3. Pot. Beer. Smirnoff. Some kind of shitty Beer, and Captain Morgan. I can down Smirnoff. Once I down at least 4-5 Smirnoff, I can down any other liquor pretty well. Recently, I've been having an issue with mixing medication. I don't know why. It's more...I do it...and not think about it.

Either way. I was a mess. I was up one moment and the world was spinning from under my feet the next. I felt totally out of control and I knew it. It was like sitting back and watching myself be an ass, and not being able to stop. I drunk dialed, which was an event I regret. I felt sick, because I hadn't eaten much at all that day. I don't know. Either way...today I needed to exercise the sugar and calories off from the partying last night. I worked out for a little more than an hour. I ate two rather small meals, both with two zantrex. I'm feeling pretty good right now I guess.

Here's hoping no mood swings on this end tonight. I can't take another downer. Ya know?

Either way. I'm not too worried about my friends finding out about you anymore Blog. Really, I'm not. Wanna know why? Well, it's because I know they will never find you. (Knock on Wood) Even if they did, I wonder if they would say anything. Oh well. The internet is a large place. Hm. In real life, I am pretty easily over looked. There isn't much to me I guess.

Wish me luck, blog.

Much Love,
M.

Sigh

Dear Blog,

These Mood swings are starting to take more energy than I have to give. I felt really nice today. I was flying high. Totally content. I don't know what changed in the past three hours but I am avoiding all mirrors at all costs. I don't feel like looking at myself. I have hardly eaten anything today. Apparently B told another one of my friends that I just don't eat or "forget" sometimes. That friend decided to ask if I ate today. I told them I did. That was a lie.


Right now I'm stressed out. I'm biting my nails. I'm getting a headache. I'm feeling really down and I just don't feel well in general. I feel jittery, pretty bad. What the fuck is going on? I want a cigarette so bad. It's been nearly a month and a half since my last one, but I would kill a bitch for a Marlboro right now. I wanna go to sleep but I can't seem to make myself sleepy enough to actually go to sleep, but my body is just worn out. Every part of me is just exhausted. My brain. My body. My spirit. Its just all done. Ready to throw in the white flag and call it quits.

I'm just done, dude. You don't even know. I don't even have the energy to change my writing style so I don't sound like myself. I think if any of my friends found this and read this entry they'd know it's me. They'd catch it, and you know what? At this moment, I wouldn't care. I would throw up my arms and say "fuck it. I'm done." I don't even know where this came from. I just want to sleep, all day. I want a dreamless sleep too, blog. I don't even want my mind to be active when I sleep. When I sleep, I want my body to shut down and take a break. I want to just be numb, and not feel it for a moment. I feel pathetic. Gimme a day, blog. Just give me a day.


Much Love,
M.

Fat

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I ignored you yesterday. It was not intentional. I was just rather busy. I finished Cylaris yesterday. I was rather happy with it. Unfortunately when I went to the store, they were sold out. I decided to see I could try. I've heard many things about Zantrex-3. Why not give it a try? I took my first dose today, but it was too late. I had to go to a wedding today and food was everywhere. My cousin payed 30 dollars a plate too....so it wasn't a matter of getting up and watching what I ate...it was a matter of it being sat IN FRONT of me. When I got home...I just felt terrible. I'm looking in the mirror and whatever nice feeling I had...is gone. I don't feel like there is much of a difference anymore. I don't know if I can do my work out routine tonight either because people will be over.

I'm in such a downer mood right now...
I make myself sick.
I hate myself sometimes.


Much Love,
M.

Well Fuck Me.

Dear Blog,

I fucking hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Nothing looks right. Feels right or fits right. Just when I start feeling better about myself I make the mistake of going clothes shopping. I had a nice day. I didn't eat more then half a lean pocket and took both doses of Cylaris. I met up with some old friends and my friend even mentioned how I had lost some weight.

Then I go clothes shopping and it all goes to shit. I'm just not in the best place right now. I can't go to B's house, so I'm stuck by myself tonight. It's gonna be a rough night.

Much Love,
M.