Well Fuck Me.

Dear Blog,

I fucking hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Nothing looks right. Feels right or fits right. Just when I start feeling better about myself I make the mistake of going clothes shopping. I had a nice day. I didn't eat more then half a lean pocket and took both doses of Cylaris. I met up with some old friends and my friend even mentioned how I had lost some weight.

Then I go clothes shopping and it all goes to shit. I'm just not in the best place right now. I can't go to B's house, so I'm stuck by myself tonight. It's gonna be a rough night.

Much Love,
M.

Shrink

Dear Blog,

I continued to do my work out regime after I posted. I went another 34 minutes. I had to force myself to go to bed. Even in bed I did what I could with my arms.

I actually think I'm starting to see a difference. I'm supposed to go to lunch with the friends soon, so we'll see. I still don't plan to eat anything. I don't want to fuck up my progress, so yeah.

Oh. SO Cylaris is giving me terrible insomnia. I'm almost out. I have 3 pills left. I need to make a trip to the store after I meet them. I'll just take the rest before lunch. I might try a new pill. Not sure yet.

I will update you with more information.


Much Love,
M

Sweat

Dear Blog,

I just spent the last 45 minutes doing my nightly work out routine over and over. I've worked up a sweat. Is that enough to redeem my slip up? I promise I'll do better.

I will do better.


...I can go another 30 minutes...
I will.


Much Love,
M.

Well Shit on bricks.

Dear Blog,

I am posting from my laptop as I sit on the kitchen counter at my friend's house. I managed to avoid real good most of today.....I had maybe a few pieces of Chex Mix and then threw away the whole bag. It was bought for me, but I shouldn't be eating it.

Unfortunately for me, my friend whom I shall call B, came over. Now I love B. I love her to death. I'm not upset she came over, but she knows me pretty well. She knows that sometimes I just don't eat, mostly because she just seems to notice. She's over at my house enough to know when I haven't bothered to eat anything all day. Something must have sparked when turned down going to lunch. I guess......I don't know.

I was doing so good...

Unfortunately, then my mom made a chicken dinner "especially" for me. Am I not hiding this as well anymore? I ate 5 small pieces of sauteed chicken. My mom then proceeded to bug me to eat more. "You can have more, I made plenty." I told them I am simply "not hungry." B then went ahead and said how I hadn't eaten anything all day. Well Shit. I picked two more pieces from the pan and ate them hesitantly. I had too. I was under a microscope.

I ended up deciding to go to B's house. We could hang out and she'd see that "I'm okay." Yeah. I also didn't want to be alone tonight. Not after last night. I didn't want to go at that again. If I'm at a friend's house, I can't cut myself. I can't think about throwing up, and I can't cry. Emphasis on cry. I'm not the type of person that cries in front of people. It's rare to see that. I don't want my friends to see me like that.

Well I get to her house and her mom has just gone shopping. This is just God playing the cruelest joke on me. I ended up eating a low fat poptart, and some baked tostitos. I even gave in and had a Diet Pepsi. I had to! I felt like she was watching me. I snuck a Cylaris before eating though. Luck for me I did my work outs before leaving the house, and I will try to go to the gym for the first time in a long time tomorrow. I wanna run on the tread mill a little. Anyway.....Here's the issue with the Cylaris. This is my 5th one I've taken today. You're not supposed to exceed 4. I had to take it though. I had to. She's got her eye on me now.

I hate myself for eating. With every bite I hate myself a little more.
I wanna go throw it up so bad.
I wanna just pretend it never happened.
I fucking hate myself.
My fast is serious starting today. Wish me luck.


Oh! B is coming.

Much Love,
M.

Kimya Dawson

Voicemail

Dear Blog,

You know...I almost broke last night. (I forgot to write this)
I almost called and told someone. I would have told them about you. I would have told them I can't eat anymore. I would have told them everything. I was that weak.

Almost.

You know what though...I didn't, obviously. I don't think they'd want to hear it. I don't think they'd understand. I know they just want to ignore it. It's easier that way. My Mom's seen the pills. I wonder if she heard me crying last night? I wonder if she heard me punch the wall? On my way back from the bathroom, she asked if I was okay. I said yes. Yes Mom. I'm fine. I'm perfectly okay. My eyes aren't swelled. My arm isn't bleeding. My stomach isn't aching. I don't hurt at all.

I don't blame her though. None of this is her fault. I don't want her to know, now that I think about it. I love her too much. I don't want her to know this is what I'm going through. I want her to remain blissfully ignorant. I don't want my room mate to know either. I have always been the Mama of my friends. I've always been the one looking out for them. I don't want my friend's to loose that security with me. I don't want them to notice the giant mess I'm becoming. I don't want them to have to feel any of it. I can't keep them from being hurt by the rest of the world, but I won't be responsible for it. I won't hurt them. I love them too much. I'm glad I never said anything. I've become the good one. I've become the strong one, I think. That's me. I just need a cape now, right? Ha.

I don't know how to be the weak one. I don't know how to be comforted. I don't know how to be okay with feeling this way. I don't know how to tell them I need help. Its okay though, because I have this blog. I can write out everything on here.

I can't believe I almost told them.
But you know, I called, and no one picked up.
That's fine.


Much Love,
M.

Sore

Hello Blog,

Last night was not the best night for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Cylaris is effecting my mood. Last night I just wanted to die. Like really. Die. I was planning to post but my father had the Internet most of today. That's the problem with being home for the holidays in my house. Bad Internet.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Blog,

Do you ever have those days where you are just so.....disgusted with yourself? I messed up last night. I shared some orange chicken, and today I had a Mcdonald's Salad. This is what sucks about being home. I don't know what to do with myself. Why do I keep eating? Why can't I just learn to say no to that? I mean part of me knows that if all I'm eating is a salad for the day, then it's not bad..but the part of me that says to stop eating is screaming. Every time I just look in a mirror right now...everything I look at my body...I'm just...so....disgusted. I hate myself. I can't lie anymore. I truly hate how I look. I hate my eyes. I hate my face. I hate my hair and I hate my body. I hate feeling like this. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell me how terrible I feel.

I've had a lump in my throat all day. You know that lump? That lump right before you're about to cry? I don't know what to do. I feel pathetic. I'm pathetic for feeling like this. I'm pathetic because I can't not hate myself every time I eat. I'm pathetic for sitting here and writing this and feeling sorry for myself.

I just want to talk to someone and have them understand...and I don't think they will. Everyone thinks I'm this person who is just happy with myself. You know who I want to tell the most? I want to tell my room mate because I feel like I can tell her anything and she knows just what to say to make it better. I wanna tell my best friend. I just wanna here that I'm okay, and believe it.

I've just never felt so.....alone, or something. I can't describe it.

Yeah...Now that I look back at it. I can tell you I feel embarrassed. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself last night. I would have just erased it and gone about my day this morning, but this blog is about honesty. I will treat it with nothing less. Like I've said before, readers, you don't know me. The risk of exposure is low. My blog can't point at me when I say I'm not hungry, and it can't lift up my sleeve to show you the hell I put my shoulder through last night. Seven long, red lines, one pair of dull orange scissors. Today the most I've had is Cylaris, water, and some Chex Mix...which I threw out as soon as I noticed what I was doing. This medicine isn't suppressing my appetite as much. Shit.

I've decided I am going to go on my very own "fast." Nothing but either milk or water. No soda. No food. Maybe a stick of gum...but other then that...nothing. It's a no win situation. My friends like to go out and eat frequently. They either want to order in...or go out somewhere...or do something....Damnit. If I sit there and don't eat either then I think I agitate them. I already blew off lunch with them today because I didn't want to eat. I can't diet, because it doesn't work....all the food I eat is bad. How can you loose weight by eating? Fasting is just a fancy word for starving, but it will work.

Wish me luck.

Much Love.
M.